Shadows of Fire
by BlueFern
Summary: Finding the balance. Takes place after The Killer in Me. Spike/Buffy
1. Chapter 1

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon created and owns the characters. I just endlessly think about them. ^_^  
Summary: Finding the balance. Takes place after The Killer in Me. Spike/Buffy  
  
*Chapter 1*  
  
They sit across from one another. She knows that there is so much to say. He should be first.  
But she's the leader in this army now. He hasn't had command for a long time.  
Maybe he never had that power. She has only recently accepted and truly wanted it.  
  
They told her what happened. What they suspected. What they feared. But they didn't know anything.  
He knows. But he hasn't told anyone. She understands secrets. But this is different.  
He brought doubt and fear to her family. He never should have done that. That she can't understand.  
  
This is a time when they must stay together. They have to be strong and sure.  
Any weakness must be eliminated and never be allowed to reappear.  
  
"Will you tell me why?" Simple beginning.  
"I'd rather tell everyone at once."  
"Don't I deserve to know first?" I'm the leader.  
"Yes you do. You did. But it's different now." He is solid with his answer.  
"Everyone? Even the potentials?"  
"Yes. Everyone needs to know the situation."  
"I have some things to discuss as well. Everyone should hear it too."  
  
The choices I've had to make recently have been hard. But when I honestly think about it, that isn't true.  
This last decision was rather simple. It should've been complicated but it wasn't.  
  
There can't be any secrets among us. Especially now.  
  
"I'll get Xander to gather everyone." He nods his head.  
I get up and move to the kitchen. He stays seated.  
  
Entering the kitchen I see Rona, Vi, Dawn and Xander standing around the counter top.  
"Hi Buffy." It's a silent question from Xander.  
"I need you to get everyone together. Giles and I have some things to say."  
"Right now?" Xander has already moved toward the basement.  
"Yeah." He opens the door. "Except Spike." He gives me a look. Why does he do that?  
"He needs to rest. He still hasn't fully recovered. Tell him I'll fill him in after."  
"Ok." He heads downstairs, where I can hear the rest of the potentials arguing with Andrew and Anya.  
  
I have no idea how Spike can sleep down there. Or anywhere for that matter.  
Lately this house has been the center for everything. Battles and dinners.  
The noise can get to be too much for me. I miss the silence.  
I can't even get it when I hunt anymore.  
I always have some trainees with me. Asking questions. Ignoring my lessons.  
  
My patrols do nothing to relieve the stress and fear creeping up on me.  
The coming battle will be worse than any before it.  
  
And there have been ones I didn't survive.  
  
How do I protect all these innocents? I couldn't even really protect Dawn.  
Ok that's not what I want to think about right now.  
There's already way too much to think about. I don't need to dwell on the past.  
  
I realize that everyone in the kitchen is just standing; watching me.  
Sheesh can't even think without company!  
"Let's move to the living room." I order.  
"Should I get snacks?" Dawn is anxious to help.  
"No Dawnie. That isn't needed right now." I leave them. And they follow.  
  
Giles is now standing in the doorway. Hands in his pockets.  
I'm angry with myself for not noticing something sooner. There has been so much going on.  
He's been acting strange since he got here. But I have had my hands full. Even before his return.  
I hear the others coming up the stairs. Loud as always.  
Once they see the expressions on the other occupants of the room they quiet down and sit.  
  
Xander is standing next to me. He leans over and whispers in my ear, "He isn't happy being left out."  
"I know. But he doesn't need to be up here. It's better that he rests."   
He goes and sits next to Willow.   
I look at Giles. But I can't read his eyes. Not like I used to.  
"Ok. I would like you all to be quiet and listen to whatever Giles has to say."  
"Don't you have something to tell them, Buffy?" Giles asks.  
  
I guess he isn't ready to explain himself. I wish he would go first.  
"We both do. You should go first but if not…"  
He seems disturbed by my anger. "I'd prefer that you go ahead of me."  
"Fine." Yeah this should be easy.  
  
"There isn't any reason to be alarmed. I want you all to understand you're safe. I'd never do anything that might harm any of you. There are many reasons that this'll be for the best."  
They're all looking at me with some confusion. Well, all except Xander. He knows.  
"Spike no longer has the chip." There are the shocked looks I expected.  
  
"What?" "Why?" "Oh GOD!" "I don't understand." "He'll kill us!" "Are you crazy?"  
That is what I caught from the flood of comments thrown at me.  
  
"Let me try to explain. Please be quiet." I know that I can get their attention easily but I'm surprised when they all quiet down.   
I didn't shout but it still worked better than I thought it would.  
"When you were all gone on your quest, the chip began to deteriorate. It chip was killing him. I was given the choice to either remove it or have it repaired. As you now know, I had it removed."  
This is a lot simpler to tell than I imagined it would be.  
  
"He hasn't completely healed. That's why I would like you all to let him rest. I want you all to know that Spike has changed. The chip did not do that. He will not harm you. You are safe."  
There. Simple and straight. Nothing confusing.   
Oh who am I kidding! Everything is complicated and confusing!  
But I don't see any fear in their faces. Maybe some concern and perhaps the confusion I'm sure they feel.  
But no fear.  
That's so much better than I could have dreamed.  
  
"Well then. That was what I had to say. Glad everyone has taken it so well." I give them a smile.  
I don't smile often. It means a lot more than anyone could guess.  
  
"Now. Giles. What has been going on? Why've you been acting so strange? And keeping secrets?"  
I think I sounded stable. I hope my anger and fear didn't come through too much.  
He has been staring at me. I don't think he expected to hear about Spike. What did he expect?  
"Uh. Umm. Yeah ok then." He's gathered himself now.  
"There's much I need to tell you. I'm going to start off by apologizing for not confessing to you sooner. I never meant for any of you to fear me or believe me to be evil." He's genuine in his apology.  
I'm still standing and everyone is still seated. I honestly don't know what to expect from him anymore.  
"I haven't completely been myself for sometime. I have a Shadow Dancer with me." Huh? What is that?  
"I know you don't know what that is. I'll try to clarify."  
Ok… Can he read minds now? Nah. He just knows me.  
"Buffy. During your quest for answers on love, I did a ritual. I had transferred my guardianship to your guide. Doing that gave me an opportunity to call other powers without interference. I asked for the power to fight with you against Glory. They awakened my own personal Shadow Dancer. My other side."  
"Wha…" I don't know what to say.  
"Let me finish. There's more."  
  
Everyone is even more shocked than before. And now they are scared. I'm scared.  
Is this Giles? What did he do to himself? That was years ago! How did I not notice?  
  
"Even with the new power... I still lost you. I'll forever regret not doing something sooner. I used my Shadow when no one would see. That's why none of you know. I did not tell you because it's a side of me I don't want any of you to see."  
He seems exhausted. This must be so hard for him. It has been years keeping this to himself.  
"It's different now. I could control it before. But lately it has gotten difficult. The balance was first disrupted when the coven gave me the borrowed magic to fight Willow."  
I see her flinch. The guilt comes flying back. It's easily readable on her face.  
"The disruptions just keep coming. The Robson fellow you talked with, told you what he knew. There was a Bringer. And I should be dead. I survived because I used my Shadow. I'm afraid I still haven't recovered. The strain and effort to stay in control is exhausting."  
  
"Giles." I'm stunned and saddened. I don't know how to help him. I don't understand this.  
"Buffy. We can discuss this further. I'll tell you everything you want to know. But there is one more thing that you all must know. It has only just come to my attention. The potentials were unable to complete their quest. The First Slayer was not there."   
The girls all nod their heads. They must've discussed this on the drive back. Why wasn't I told immediately?  
  
"Buffy. She's with you."  
~  
  
  
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	2. Chapter 2

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
  
Huge thanks to Jessica for being my beta! You make the story so much better!  
  
*Chapter 2*   
  
I know this is stupid. My plans always go wrong. But then, it's not my plan this time.  
He told me to come here. Or it, I'm not actually sure. To a place I never wanted to see again.  
But when something this powerful tells you to do something, you do it.  
Especially if you can get something from it.   
  
I've already passed the Welcome To Sunnydale sign.  
Can't wait to see the old chap.  
I can just imagine the look on his face when he sees my new power! I wasn't prepared last time.  
Or the time before that. But now everything's planned out.  
  
He'll never see me coming. Thinks he's better than I am?   
He won't when I'm done with him.  
The only thing I'm worried about is her. The Slayer.  
It has told me that she won't interfere with the plans. But I think I've reason to be worried.  
The last time I met up with her I ended up in that compound!  
It took me weeks to get out of there.  
But it wasn't all that hard. Americans are so easy to manipulate.   
Did they honestly think they could keep me there?   
They probably did actually. Or else they wouldn't have had guards watching my every move.   
"Stupid wankers."  
"Would you hurry up!"  
  
I look over to the passenger seat.  
He's there again. My father Nigel. It can't be him though. He died years ago.  
I knew it wasn't him as soon as he spoke. But it still frightens me just looking at him. It.  
  
"What do you think you are doing? You've taken far too long!"  
"Bloody Hell! Calm down! I'm here aren't I?" I answer quickly.  
"You should have been here weeks ago!"   
"Well I had some stops to make."  
I love arguing with it. It's like taking candy from an infant. It's probably because it can't do anything.  
The worst it can do is talk back to me. And it's not like I'm going to take an offensive word to the chest.   
  
"You've made me very angry. I have things to prepare! You're delaying it!"   
"Oh, bugger off! I would've been here sooner had you not yelled at me every waking moment."   
  
This is pathetic. It can't do anything on it's own. Has to have some poor soul do it.  
Not that I mind doing this task. Not at all.  
"I told you I would be here. Here I am! I'll do what you asked."   
  
"He knows too much! You must do this immediately!"  
"I'll do it tonight." Not like I have anything else to do anyway.  
  
"Don't make me return until it is done."  
It's gone. I take a deep breath.  
  
I hate it when It comes. Trying to be all eviler-than-thou.  
I've worked for things far more evil than this. I've worshipped chaos.  
But this is the First Evil. Scary thought. But since it can't seem to actually do anything…  
It's rather amusing actually. Something that is pure evil can't do much but talk, plan and command.  
All the evil in the world may come from it but it's not as bad as It thinks. I've seen ballerinas do more evil.  
  
But there's one thing that really scares me about It. The fact that it always appears as my father.  
His death was the reason I began to look to the magicks. What's the use of being good anyway?  
  
It knows how much I wanted to please my father. And it knows that my father was ashamed of me.  
The idea that I can make this thing wearing my fathers' body proud isn't why I'm here.  
  
It's vengeance. Ripper and his adopted children have ruined one too many of my plans.  
It's my turn to wreck theirs.  
  
Plus I've been promised immense power if I succeed. I love that.  
But everything I've worked for has promised me that. And I never got it.  
That's not the reason I agreed to come back though.   
I'm a tad envious that Ripper managed to scare off The First.  
  
Maybe scare isn't the right word… perhaps annoyed is better.  
I know how much I hate it when things don't go as planned.  
Must be the same way for the biggest evil there is.  
Whatever Ripper has tapped into; has given him knowledge that no one should know.  
Which gives him power.  
  
I get to take that power away.  
Just like mine has been continually taken away. Too many years of being second best.  
This should be fun! And worth coming here.  
I drive through Sunnydale and get to the Hotel-Motel. What a dumb name.  
  
I don't think they would ever suspect I'm here…  
I'll have to change my timing now. Can't risk getting my face kicked again.  
I drive into the parking lot and get my luggage out of the trunk.  
Clothing and magic supplies mostly. I'll need to get something to eat and some smokes.  
I enter the lobby and walk up to the counter.  
  
"Cash up front." The dirty man behind the counter says.  
"Yeah." I take out a couple of hundreds.   
"Here's the key…" He looks at the information on the page. "Have a great night, Mr. Ethan Rayne."   
  
"I'm sure I will." I grin and walk out of the lobby.  
  
~   
  
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	3. Chapter 3

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
*Chapter 3*   
  
  
"What?" Buffy exclaims.  
Everyone is staring at me waiting for an explanation.  
I've already told them so much tonight.  
More than I ever wanted any of them to know.  
But they know there's more I can tell them.  
I was wrong before, not informing them of the situation.  
  
I'm not going to make that mistake again.  
Especially since I know what's happening. What's going to happen.  
  
"The spirit of the First Slayer is in you, Buffy."  
"Wh-? But that's impossible! Th-there's no way!" This is pretty much how I expected her to take it...  
"It is. You shouldn't be alarmed. You're still yourself, Buffy. Nothing has changed."   
  
"Of course things have changed!"  
She looks really upset about this. She won't even let me explain.  
"I know this is upsetting but rest assured this is something that can be taken care of."  
I've moved closer to her. Not to exclude the others but this is a very important issue.   
  
"How? How did this happen?"  
"Your resurrection. The First Slayer joined with you when you were brought back."  
  
She's silent; extremely shocked.  
"I believe she saved you. If she had not interfered with the spell you'd probably be in another dimension."  
  
She doesn't understand. I look to Willow to see if she does. She's just as confused.  
It's not that difficult to comprehend. Do they not understand anything?  
"Willow's spell was never completed..."   
  
"Those ugly biker demons!" Anya interrupts. I glance at her.  
"Yes. Whatever interfered stopped the spell from finishing."  
"I always wondered why it worked." Willow whispers.  
Buffy's eyes are big. "What?"   
  
"Well… I thought… I mean I knew it would've worked. But I wasn't done yet!"  
  
"It wouldn't have worked. Buffy shouldn't be here. She is because of the First Slayer."  
  
"Why did she save me?" Buffy quietly asks me.  
"That... I don't know."   
  
Everyone is silent.  
"How do you know all this?" Xander asks.  
Good question. Sometimes the boy surprises me.  
"Simple really. Once again, because of my Shadow. I know things that should not be known."  
  
Xander thinks on that for a moment. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?"  
  
"I didn't know about this until a few days ago. And I now understand why the First is attacking."  
  
"The Eye said it was Buffy." Anya contributes.  
"It is. And it isn't. The spirit of the First Slayer shouldn't be in this realm."  
  
"Well, that's kind of a given." Anya states. "Oh, so that's what started the weakness in the Slayer Line."  
"Yes. The First Evil is taking advantage of that, to take control of the world. It's going to make the world a demon paradise unless we stop this."  
"If no new Slayer can be called then there's no hero of the people, to fight the demons."   
  
"Exactly, Dawn. Which is why we must remove her from Buffy."  
  
This is going to be complicated and dangerous.  
I know that they are strong. But this battle is going to be the biggest yet.  
I can hardly remember how many times I've thought that.  
But just as Buffy knows, I know also, they won't all make it.  
  
"Is that safe?" Willow asks.  
"What'll happen to Buffy?" Xander nervously asks me.  
Buffy is sitting quietly and just looking at me.  
All the potentials are smart and staying silent.  
"It's perfectly safe. Buffy will not be harmed. There's a simple spell. I'll need help though."  
  
I have to trust that Willow can do this.  
Although I should probably seek help from the Coven.  
But then Apocalypses have a way of destroying plans.  
As well as lives.   
  
"I think I know what spell you are talking about!" Anya enthusiastically says.  
"I'm not sure…" Willow barely whispers.  
"Any help that you can provide will be appreciated, Willow. And I'm sure Anya can do most of the magic."  
  
"When?" Buffy dully asks.  
"Soon. Tomorrow night would be best."   
  
She nods her head. And moves to the kitchen.  
"Buffy…"   
"I'm going to check on Spike."  
  
Dawn gets up to go to her. But before I can tell her not to, Xander's stopped her.  
Good, Buffy needs time to herself. Even if that time is with Spike.  
  
I can't believe she took the chip out! There is so much going on and she does that?  
  
I'll have to talk with her later.  
She already has enough to think about. Courtesy of me especially.  
  
I just wish I could take all her burdens from her.  
Let her rest.  
Let her live.   
But she's the Slayer. And she surprises me everyday with her strength.  
This obviously has been a shock to her though.   
  
"I'll be right back. Can you get some of the books together for research?"  
  
"Yeah, sure… Giles?"  
  
"Yes. What is it, Xander?"  
  
"Do you… Should we… "  
  
He looks pained at the news he has just heard. Both about Buffy and myself.  
I wait to see if he'll try to continue.  
"Never mind." He finishes.   
  
There's very little time to discuss things.  
I told them what I am. And why I've changed.  
But there is no way they'll ever understand. And if they do, it'll take a while.  
They aren't children anymore… the last year saw to that…  
But this is just so personal. Sharing ones darkness...   
  
They may understand calling a demon. And they certainly understand killing demons.  
But they won't understand letting a demon into yourself.  
Wanting it to be there. To be stronger.  
They wouldn't understand wanting a demon in you.  
And the power of that.  
I know that Willow and Buffy understand about power.  
And how easy it is to lose control.  
But it's a silent understanding.  
You don't speak of these things.  
I may be an educated man but there are no words to describe this.  
No examples or texts.   
  
This is in me. I asked for it.  
I've used it only for good.  
But my grip on the power is slipping.  
I have to find a solution to this problem.  
Prevent myself from harming anyone.  
I'd hate to see that what I thought was right, was wrong.  
  
The balance in this world has been disturbed.  
Many things have caused this. Good always fights against evil. Evil always fights against good.  
But this is the first time that one may completely overcome the other.   
  
I head toward the basement where I can hear Buffy going down the stairs.  
I need to tell her this is not her fault.  
She seemed to leave the room with that impression.  
She has always taken so many responsibilities.  
She shouldn't take blame for this.  
There is no one to blame.   
  
A multitude of events as well as people have brought us to this point.  
  
And I'm sure there is more than even I know of.  
Dawn's very existence and the opening and closing of the portal.  
Willow and her spell to bring Buffy back to the world and us.  
Her attempt to destroy the world. She connected with and used powers even I can't imagine.  
And the First Slayer joining with Buffy as well as Buffy's resurrection.  
…Spike earning his soul.   
  
This still amazes me…  
Soulless demons shouldn't love! And they especially shouldn't quest for their souls!  
Buffy hasn't told me much. But I don't need to be told. I know.  
Perhaps not the why part of it... But I do know the how.   
  
Everything is connected and affects the balance of the world.  
Not many deliberately try to destroy the balance. Including evil creatures.  
Most don't have the power or brains. Most don't feel it's necessary.  
But this time the game has a player that's more powerful than any other.  
And It has power. Albeit limited power. But that's just at the moment.  
If we don't act fast, those limits will vanish. It will find a way to become more.  
Maybe more than we can fight.   
  
~  
  
  
What did you think? Review please! ^_^  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
_Huge thanks to Jessica, my wonderful Beta! You really are helping me alot. ^_^_  
  
*Chapter 4*  
  
  
I hear Giles coming down the stairs but I don't turn from my watch over Spike.  
  
I'll talk with him when I'm ready. Though it could be that I'll never be ready.  
I frown and listen as Giles moves a chair next to me. He looks at me and moves his chair back a little.  
Giving me space. That's nice of him.  
Would've preferred my space without him near it…  
  
All of this is really too much to take. I guess he knows how much I hate it when he dumps everything on me at once.  
That's probably why he's so patient with me right now.  
  
I glance at him. He just stares at me.  
Sitting there with concern written all over his face.  
  
Wanting to speak but holding back.  
Maybe I should say something first.  
  
This isn't the Giles I know. The old Giles would give me the "You must not let this burdening information interfere with your work" speech.   
But he doesn't, he just sits there, waiting to see if I'll say something. God, even his look has changed.  
  
Everyone has changed so much, it scares me.  
  
He looks from me towards the cot where Spike is asleep.  
He has an expression I can't fully understand…it might've been amazement. Or maybe complete shock.  
Probably both. Probably because of me. For my choice. Not necessarily Spike himself.   
  
Spike doesn't get to sleep often. I'm glad the soldiers gave me some of those painkillers.  
I don't want him completely awake until he's fully healed.  
He was worried that he would be useless if he was drugged but the chip removal was serious.  
The surgery was draining on him. He tried to play the tough guy with me but I knew.  
He needs to mend. It's best.   
I'd like his thoughts on the current situations…  
But I can't go to him for everything.   
  
I have so many questions… there really isn't anywhere to start.  
There isn't time either.  
Nothing is ever easy. And things only continue getting more complicated.  
  
"Buffy?" Giles quietly asks.  
Well, so much for the waiting for me to speak.  
"Yeah." I answer in my normal voice.  
He looks at Spike; like he's afraid he'll wake up and hear.  
"He's out of it. Will be for the next hour or so."   
  
"Oh. Good then."  
  
"And that means what?" I give him a look.  
"Just that I would like to speak with you further and it'd be best if we're alone."  
I hesitantly nod. I'd rather not talk anymore but I don't have time to think over everything.  
I have to know whatever Giles has to tell me.   
  
"Is there anything you wish to ask me?" Giles hesitantly says.  
"I really don't know where to begin. Just tell me what else I need to know."  
He thinks on that for a moment.   
  
"The First Evil uses anything to achieve its plans. We must be cautious of everyone."  
  
"I know. I've been careful." Who does he think he's talking to? I won't stupidly endanger anyone.  
"Including those currently around us." He adds strongly.  
"Wha…" I trail off realizing he is speaking of Spike.   
  
He sees that I understand.  
"Yes. But not only him. Willow could be manipulated. Or anyone else. We must be extremely careful."  
He's just as worried about Willow as I am. But the concern for Spike seems to be all mine.   
  
After all, Giles most likely doesn't care what happens to Spike.  
I'm pretty sure he'd stake him himself if it wasn't for me in the way.  
  
"The First Evil is only able to manifest itself when balance is seriously shifted."  
  
He's looking directly at me.  
I raise an eyebrow.   
  
"I believe that the very first time it came here was when Angel was returned from hell."  
That was some major shifting of powers…  
So is it me? That brought the First Evil out?  
  
"I thought… I'm the reason? Right?"  
"No. You aren't the cause of this." He firmly states.  
"But you are a factor in the First's plan to destroy Slayers permanently." He quickly added.  
"I'm not the cause? I'm pretty sure me being brought to life had to have **some** sort of change in the balance."  
  
"That did shift the balance. And alerted the First to the weakness in the Slayer line."  
  
"Then… what?" What changed things so drastically?   
  
"Spike. Winning his soul. The First took that opportunity, I think, to come to this dimension."  
  
Oh God! It's still my fault! He got the soul for me.  
  
"The First also knew that it could use Spike against you. And I'm sure it still will." Giles says.  
  
I shake my head. "That won't happen."  
"You don't know that, Buffy. Neither does Spike."  
"Giles, I know it can happen. But why would he have more of a chance being manipulated than you or me?"  
He sighed and shook his head. "That's beside the point."  
  
"What do you want me to do?"  
This is the safest place for him…  
With me. By my side. I can't not have him here…  
  
"I don't know. I just feel it's not safe with him here."   
  
"He can't leave. He's not leaving! This is the best place for him."  
  
I look at Spike. He seems so peaceful when he sleeps.   
Nowadays, when I sleep, it's never peaceful. It's filled with nightmares.  
  
Giles is about to say more.  
"The First would get him again! Do you not remember what happened the last time that happened?!?"  
I hate to remember.   
I couldn't get to him fast enough… I couldn't protect him.  
And that failure brought pain to everyone. Especially him.  
I was sure I would defeat the Turok Han… but it was… almost impossible.  
A girl died… I almost died.  
Giles wasn't here before Spike was taken but he did see him after.  
Saw the results of my failure.   
  
Giles does not respond.  
  
"So you're saying he's safer out there somewhere, alone? I'm all he has Giles. He's safer here than anywhere else."  
Giles hesitates but then nods.  
"You're right. I apologize. I didn't intend to upset you." Giles answers.  
I glare at him. Then turn back to watch Spike.  
"Aren't you supposed to be working on some spell? To rid me of my little problem?" I snap at him.  
"Buffy…"   
I look back at his pleading tone. He seems genuinely sorry.  
"Giles… I just need some time alone." I quietly tell him.  
"All right then. I'll leave you be." He heads to the stairs. He stops briefly at the bottom then ascends.  
  
~  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
  
*Chapter 5*  
  
This is madness.  
I just can't believe it.  
Too much has happened in such a short time. To me and everyone else.  
I can't take everything in.  
  
I need time to adjust to my new life. Or unlife.  
Having a soul and being chipless.  
Being here with her.   
  
I still question what's real.  
Has any of this really happened or am I dreaming?  
Will I wake up and be in my old crypt? Or maybe the school basement again.  
Maybe the caves…  
  
Buffy told me. Told me everything. Well, everything she knows.  
She must be as confused as I am right now.  
I knew the witch shouldn't have brought her back!  
  
I love her. And I'm insanely happy she is here. Alive.   
I can be with her. Near her. Hear her heart beat. Smell her. Touch her.  
But she shouldn't be here. It was selfish of them to bring her back.  
I told them. They didn't believe.   
There certainly have been consequences.   
To Buffy and the world.  
  
I've been wrong many times in my existence but I wasn't wrong about that.  
I tried to help her then. Tried and failed.  
Now I have another chance.   
She's giving me that chance.  
I won't fail her again. I'll do whatever is necessary.  
Whatever she wants me to do. I'll do it.  
  
I can hear them moving around upstairs. Researching and such.  
There are so many of them up there…  
I should go help but I just need some more time to myself.  
She told them. They know.   
I'm free. No more leash.  
I'm not afraid. Not of them.  
I _am_ afraid of _him_.   
Even more now, knowing what he did. He has power. I can sense it.  
I always sensed it.   
  
I run my hand over my hair trying to smooth down the curls.  
My head still hurts. The drugs have helped but they also keep me from being aware.  
She believes I'm safe here. They won't try to get me again.  
But I'm not so sure. I need to stay alert and ready to fight.  
  
Buffy believes many things. Me being one of those. And I'm not sure she should.  
I'm weak. I'm a bad man. Without her… I have nothing. I am nothing.  
She believes in me. That I can change. That I can be a man.   
Her words kept me from being broken by the First, even though I was already broken.  
  
I've been unable to tell her that.  
That she's what kept me from giving in. Giving up.  
She's what has made me strong again. But now that strength is fading.  
I have brought evil to this world.   
In my attempt to stop myself from doing anymore evil, I brought the First here.  
  
How did things become so complicated?  
I miss the easy times.  
Although with my current way of thinking… I don't miss my vampire way of life.  
And that is all I have known for a century. Learning a new way to live seems impossible.  
But maybe with Buffy helping me, I can.  
Of course I don't think I deserve her help. I'm not worthy of it yet.  
Not until I can be myself again. Not until I have my own strength back.  
She is leading me to that. So maybe I do need her help after all.  
Obviously I couldn't do it alone.   
As evidenced by my living in the school basement…  
Listening to ghosts until I went crazy…  
And killing…  
I still don't remember everything.  
And some recent memories I would like to forget. Killing those people...  
But I shouldn't forget. I have to know what I did so I'll never do it again.  
I'm still struggling with what's right and wrong…  
Probably will for all of my existence.  
  
I hear arguing going on amongst the Slayers to be.  
They're getting anxious and from the sounds of it, not very helpful to the Scoobies.  
They really don't need that on top of everything else going on.  
I should get out of here so the girls can do some training. Or at least attempt to…  
What do those Watchers do? Or did...   
Certainly not train them!  
Newly risen fledglings have more skill at fighting than these girls.  
Their instincts are horrendous. I have no idea why they have been selected.  
There has to be a reason they are potentials. Something in them.  
I just have no bleeding clue what that is.  
  
All this thinking has made me hungry.  
At least I have an excuse for going up into that mad house.  
No one in his right mind would really want to go up there right now.  
But I'm not doing anything remotely helpful sitting down here.  
  
I move toward the stairs.  
"William."   
What the…  
I turn to the voice.  
Standing by the washer. It's Dru. Smiling at me.  
No not Dru. The First.  
"My William. It's time."  
I back up until my leg hits the first step.  
"What? Leave me alone! I'm not listening to you anymore!"  
I turn to go when it speaks again,  
"Then don't listen. Sing with me instead."  
I shake my head and take the first step.  
"Early one morning, just as the sun was rising."  
Everything stops. I stop.  
"I heard a fair maid sing in the valley down below."  
I want to call to Buffy… but my voice isn't working.   
I can't fight.   
I'm slipping.  
"Oh don't deceive me. Oh never leave me. How could you use a poor maid so?"  
~  
  
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
_Thank you Jessica! It's great having you as my beta. _  
  
*Chapter 6*  
  
~(Ethan)~  
  
One never forgets the dark arts.  
Even when the ability to use them is ripped away from you,  
The power to control the magic is always there. Dwelling inside of you.  
Waiting to come out.   
  
It has gotten me through many tough situations when I was younger.  
Of course, it was me that started the situations in the first place...  
But that isn't really important.  
  
  
Alright, I've placed all the candles, bones and crystals in the correct positions.  
I've got the spell memorized. The knife clean and sharpened.  
Looks like I'm ready.   
  
I do hope that I get a chance to pop in and see Ripper after this is finished.  
Let him know who stole his power.  
Gloat just a little. After all, he's going to have to give me the respect I deserve.  
  
  
~(Buffy)~  
  
You know, it just occured to me how it always seems that we're running out of time,  
But also have a lot of time left over.  
If someone were to walk in right now, they would think this would be a normal picture.  
Nothing hellmouth-y about it whatsoever.  
It's hard to believe that even though we're fighting this big evil, everything's so....normal.  
  
Giles is leaning against the fireplace, absorbed in his book.  
Dawn, Willow and Anya are sitting on the couch surrounded by notes and more books.  
Cars are driving by outside.   
People walking their dogs. (Stupid thing to do in Sunnydale at night.)  
Xander's napping in the chair.  
Andrew and the potentials are eating in the kitchen, again.  
Spike's downstairs...  
I wonder how he's taking everything…  
  
Sighing I look back at the book given to me, though I know it has nothing we'll need.   
  
So much going on and yet nothings happening.  
It's so quiet. Even with the racket the girls are making.  
This must be the calm before the storm.  
Either that or a really, really quiet storm.  
  
~(Giles)~  
  
Something's coming. I can feel it.   
I'm not sure what it is.  
But I know the others feel something as well.  
  
I notice Buffy looking around.   
Not interested in research at all.  
I switch between feelings of anger at her not doing more,  
And admiration that she has done so much.  
  
I can't seem to come up with the correct words to support her.  
Everything comes out wrong.  
I've distanced myself from her and everyone.  
But I've had my reasons.  
  
I hear Spike coming up from the basement.  
I haven't gotten a chance to speak with him yet.  
There's so much to discuss.   
And right now isn't the time. I must focus on finding the correct spell.  
  
~(Willow)~  
  
Everyone is so serious.  
Even before Xander fell asleep, he was being serious too.  
I know this isn't a time to be joking and partying…  
But the tension in this house is way too much for me to handle.  
Something or someone is going to snap.  
  
I knew there was something different about Giles.  
I could sense it. But I didn't have the right to ask him about that.  
Even now, I couldn't.  
He helped me. And helping, rescuing me, from myself, caused him pain.  
More than I knew.  
He struggles with power. But he still has control.  
Something I'm still learning.  
  
Everything's a mess. Most of it's my fault.  
At least I feel it's my fault. It certainly seems that way.  
I'm sure everyone else is thinking the same thing.  
I don't know where to begin saying sorry.  
Apologizing for all I've done.  
  
I know what happens after you snap.  
I knew what I was doing... I just didn't care anymore.  
I was wrong.  
But in the past I did things because I thought it was best. For everyone.  
I don't think I'm very good with making the right decisions.   
  
  
I look around.  
  
  
Someone is using powerful dark magics…  
  
  
I get up from the couch.  
I'm just about to tell Giles what I sense…  
When screams come from the kitchen.  
And at the exact same moment…  
Giles falls to his knees, holding his head, screaming.  
  
~  
  
  
  
Please review!! ^_^  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
*Chapter 7*  
  
There's so much screaming! I don't know what to do!  
Was that a roar?   
I move toward the kitchen but I also want to go to Giles…  
Who to go to. How to help. What's happening?  
Everything is going so fast, I have no control…  
But it feels like I'm moving in slow motion.   
I can't do anything quick enough!  
  
The girls come running out of the kitchen with Andrew following.  
Holding up a cross… What?  
He's shaking and the girls are still screaming!  
I can't think.  
  
"What's going on?" I yell.  
  
I can see Willow moving toward Giles,  
Who is glowing! What the hell!   
He's stopped screaming but now he's making loud sounds of pain.  
I don't understand! What can I do?  
"Spike!" Andrew is standing in front of the girls, holding on to the cross for dear life.  
Xander is also standing in front of the girls, looking from me to the kitchen doorway.  
With a look of complete fear on his face.  
  
Willow is chanting. Oh God.  
Anya is behind her trying to get to Giles. But obviously afraid to get near.  
I don't even see Dawn! Where…   
She's with the potentials. Thank goodness.  
  
I hear a growl and turn.  
  
Spike…  
  
Standing in the doorway,  
He's vamped out and holding his face. Looking more pissed than I've **ever** seen him.  
  
No! Please no!  
  
I swear I hear laughing…  
  
This can't be happening! I don't know what to do!  
  
Suddenly the room is flooded with white light,  
I try not to but I have to shut my eyes.   
When I open them I see that Spike has fallen and Giles is standing.  
Still glowing.   
Willow is black eyed and continues to chant.  
  
I can't move. I can't breathe…  
  
Spike gets up and makes a move toward the girls.  
Before I even get a chance,  
Giles has him.  
He's got Spike's arms behind his back and Spike is snarling.  
Struggling to get away.   
  
"Giles! What do we do?" I'm so lost; I have no clue what to do…  
"I told you this would happen!" He snaps at me.  
"It's not his fault!"  
Spike is furious. He's twisting and squirming. Trying everything to get free.  
  
Willow's loosing it. She's fallen to the floor.  
She raises her hands… and creates another one of those seek and destroy fireballs.  
It goes flying past the group of potentials and their protectors,  
Through the front window.  
Still she continues to chant.  
  
"What happened last time?" Giles yells.  
"He remembered." I answer quickly.  
"HOW?" Giles is loosing his hold on Spike.  
  
"He tasted my blood."  
Giles gaze becomes as furious as Spikes.  
I can see Xander out of the corner of my eye raising a stake…  
"I had a cut and he licked it. Then remembered." I hastily explain.  
  
I think time has stopped…  
  
Giles looks at my neck then back to my eyes.  
Asking.  
I nod my head.  
He seems reluctant to release Spike though.  
  
"It'll work. It's the only way."  
"You could stake him." Xander supplies.  
  
That is just not possible.  
I can't live without him.  
This isn't his fault.  
I can save him. I know it.  
  
"I can't." I quietly say.  
Giles hears me.  
  
He spins Spike to face me and lets go.  
Spike looks at the potentials and goes toward them.  
  
"Hey!"  
He sharply turns to me.  
I bare my neck to him. Silently offering.  
  
"What's this? You offering Slayer?" He sneers.  
  
"Yes."  
  
His eyes grow just a tad wider. Then he composes himself. And stalks over to me.  
He sniffs my neck, the side unclaimed.   
"Death wish. Eh? Slayer."  
Before I can answer,  
  
He bites.  
  
~  
  
  
  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
_Authors Note: The next chapters are unbetaed. I'll update my story with the betaed chapters soon. But I didn't want to wait. ^_^_  
  
  
*Chapter 8*  
  
I hate these bloody chains! They rattle every time I move.  
I have to be with Buffy! Not down here in this damn basement!  
Don't they understand? I have to know she's all right…  
I have to… do… something. Anything.   
To stop thinking, remembering…   
  
Everything came rushing back. **Everything**.  
I'm not watching someone else anymore. It's me.  
Killing. Feeding. Siring.  
Her blood has cleared my clouded mind.  
Only to reveal all the pain I've caused.  
In crisp gruesome detail.   
  
Her sweet powerful blood has released me from Its control.  
I can feel it. That trigger, as the Scoobies called it, is gone.  
I **know** it is.  
She has freed me. But at such a cost.  
  
My face still burns.  
I really hate crosses. But I'm glad the boy had one on him.  
Otherwise there would be more blood on my hands.  
Not that it matters. I've killed so many.   
So many…  
  
I can't stay here. She needs me!   
I did this to her. Made her weak.   
In the time when she must be her strongest.  
  
The battle continues. It made another move.  
They beat It this time. Won this game.   
Foiled Its plans.   
But it was only a small battle; the real face off is coming. Soon.  
  
I hear light footsteps coming down the stairs.  
I stop my fidgeting,   
So as to not frighten whoever comes down from the sounds of the chains.  
I have to know what's going on.  
Wouldn't be good to scare off my potential informant.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"Buffy…" I sigh in relief.  
  
She continues to descend the stairs. I'm surprised she's even walking.  
And even more surprised that she isn't being followed by anyone.  
I wouldn't have thought the Watcher or Xander would allow her to be alone with me.  
  
She comes confidently toward me. No fear coming from her.  
She stops a few steps in front of me.  
  
"Hey." She says as if it was just another day in Slayer central.  
  
"Hey, pet." I look her over. The bandage on her neck.  
The tired but strong expression.  
The slight way she is swaying…  
"Would you like to… sit?" I gesture to the chair still by the cot.  
  
She moves toward the cot and sits down next to me.  
I'm being surprised a lot tonight.  
Just as I'm about to move to allow more space between us,  
She reaches out and gently touches the burn on my face.  
  
"Does that hurt?" She quietly asks.  
  
I shake my head. "I'll be fine."  
  
Hesitantly, I move my hand to her neck,  
Ready to retract it if she were to flinch or show any sign of fear.  
She doesn't.  
  
"I'm…" I should say I'm sorry. Beg forgiveness.  
Tell her I'm free. She freed me.  
Tell her…   
I can't find the words.  
  
She just nods and gives a small smile.  
  
"Willow saved the day." She states.  
"Huh?"   
"Willow did a protection spell. Stopped the attack on Giles." She elaborates.  
"That's what she was doing."  
"And she eviscerated the attacker."  
"I saw the fireball, remind me to avoid her on her particularly crabby days."  
She chuckles. And moves her hand to mine.  
"Turns out it was Ethan. I don't think you know him…"  
I shake my head. Name doesn't sound familiar.  
"Remember Halloween? Costume craziness?"  
"Oh yeah. I do recall that."  
"That was him. As was Giles becoming a… Fartyl… Fankel…"  
"Fyarl demon, love." I smile at her.  
"Right. That. Well he won't be popping up anymore. Seeing as he got fried."  
  
Pity really, those were some interesting times.  
  
"We're doing the spell tonight." She tells me.  
"You ready?" She hasn't had any time to heal. Get her strength back.  
"As ready as I'll ever be. We have to do this. I have to."  
"Okay."  
  
She looks at me. Hard.  
"Did it work?" She asks.  
  
"Yes."  
  
She nods her head. And gets up.  
"I'm going to talk to the guys. I'll be back down soon."  
  
~  
  
  
  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
*Chapter 9*  
  
The storm hit. And it's left quite a lot of damage behind.  
Though I believe most has turned out to be necessary, and helpful.  
Spike is no longer being controlled by the First.  
Ethan, a threat we didn't know existed, has been eliminated.  
Willow now knows she can use her powers, and not fall off the deep end.  
There's still danger. But she isn't as afraid to use her skills.  
Giles has told me the spell Ethan performed was to take his Shadow away.  
He didn't succeed. And now Giles says his control is better.  
Something Giles is very happy about.  
The balance is back. At least that is what he said.  
  
Now it's time to fix the other unbalances…  
  
They found the spell while I regained consciousness.  
Gotta love that Slayer healing.   
  
The potentials have been moved to Xanders' apartment.  
They didn't feel safe with Spike any longer.  
Nothing I say is going to make them believe they are safe.  
And they shouldn't be here while the spell is performed anyway.  
  
I convinced Dawn to go with them.  
That wasn't a very fun conversation. She really wanted to help with the spell.  
But she can keep the girls calm and busy. And keep an eye on Andrew.  
  
Anya and Willow are setting up for the spell in the living room.  
Giles is giving instructions and going over everything again.  
  
"What can I do?" I'm feeling kinda useless just sitting here.  
"You're supposed to be meditating." Giles scolds.  
"I did! I keep falling asleep…" I trail off from his look.  
  
So... I watch Spike as he gathers weapons from the chest.  
He's going to search for the place the Bringers and First are hiding.  
Says he has some ideas. Demon contacts of his and some from Anya.  
I'd love to go with him. Do some slaying. Get out of this house.  
Away from the magic.  
  
I really don't want to do this.  
  
Spike looks up at me from his crouched position.  
He gives his silent understanding and strength, through that look.  
He'll support whatever I do.   
But I know this is what has to be done.  
  
He gets up and moves toward the door.  
Looks at me one last time.  
Lifts his eyebrow in question.  
I smile reassuringly at him.  
"Good luck. Come back in one piece." I tell him.  
  
I'll be fine. He'll be fine. We'll all be fine…   
  
He looks to the others and then back to me.  
Nods his head and goes out the door.  
  
I close my eyes and begin to clear my mind.  
Try to do some meditating until it's time…  
  
~  
  
It's amazing how much has happened in such a short time.  
In a few hours everything has changed.  
I've changed again.  
Regained control of my power.  
  
The same can be said for Willow.  
The power is in her. And she can use it without fear of loosing herself.  
  
Spike has his own freewill back. Frightening as that may seem.  
The fear of him being used as a weapon against us is gone.  
The confidence Buffy has in him worried me.  
But he's a powerful ally and done more to help us than I know.  
  
The bond between them still scares me.  
I've seen them exchange silent conversations. Simple gestures and glances.  
They know one another so well. It's unnatural.  
But obviously something that neither wants to loose.  
Their connection is one that no one else is going to understand.  
Least of all me…  
  
"We're ready Buffy." I shake her shoulder gently to get her attention.  
The spell is set up and we're prepared to begin.  
Buffy seems to have finally meditated some.   
It is always best before spells of this magnitude.  
She opens her eyes and gets up from the couch.  
  
"This spell is complex but we'll be doing most of it."  
She nods her head.  
"You'll be in a trance. There's nothing to fear."  
  
"I'm ready." She simply says.  
  
Willow and Anya light the candles as Buffy lies down in the circle.  
"Let's begin."   
  
~  
  
  
  
  



	10. Chapter 10

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
*Chapter 10*  
  
I open my eyes. And find myself in the desert.  
It's nighttime. But the full moon makes it almost as bright as day.  
It's silent. No birds, cars, bugs… Nothing.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
My voice seems to echo. Bounces off the rocks.  
And comes back to me, different. Not my own.  
  
I spot a light just a ways off and begin to walk to it.  
I feel like I'm floating… Like my feet don't touch the ground.  
I reach the light immediately.   
It's a fire. A blue fire. Roaring with no sound. Burning with no heat.  
  
She's behind the fire. Observing me.  
She knows why I'm here. She is me. I am her.  
  
But I don't know why. I'm in the dark.  
  
"Why did you save me? Why am I alive?"  
  
She moves from behind the fire and stands before me.  
Straightens her stance. And continues to watch me.  
  
"Why?" I quietly ask again.  
  
She reaches out and lays her hands on the sides of my face,  
Closes her eyes and I do as well.  
  
Memories slam into me.  
Moments with friends. Laughing, dancing, crying, studying, fighting.  
Times with family. Holidays, travels, fights, hugs, dinners.  
Mother… Dawn…  
Events at school. Prom, lunches, classes, the library, graduation.  
Flashes of enemies and lovers.  
Angel… Spike…  
Battles that blend together.  
Patrols (hunts) Slays (kills)  
Living and dying.  
  
When I open my eyes again I'm crying. Crying without sound.  
She watches me. Removes her hands and looks at the tears that have fallen on them.  
Tears roll down. Down her hands and down my cheeks.  
  
"You live in both worlds." She says with awe.  
She steps back from me.  
"I wanted that." She admits.  
  
The tears have stopped. The fire's stopped. Frozen.  
  
I watch as she sits down.   
She seems like just a girl now. Not some primal deadly force.  
"I made a mistake." She continues.  
I sit down across from her.  
"We must restore balance." I tell her.  
She nods her head. "I understand."  
  
  
"You're everything to him." She suddenly says.  
  
  
"I know." I whisper.  
  
We watch one another. We won't see each other again.  
The night has ended and it's now day.  
The sun shines down on us but gives no warmth.  
The fire's gone. Leaving ashes.  
  
"Is it enough?" I ask her.  
  
She doesn't answer.  
I didn't really want an answer.  
  
"The chains are broken. You're released. Choose your path."   
  
Her voice resounds in my head as we're covered in shadow.  
  
~  
  
  
  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
  
*Chapter 11*  
  
Why do I miss the light? I've existed in darkness so long.  
I can hardly remember any other life. My human life was so short.  
Dwelling in the dark is the only way.  
I'll never step into the light. No matter how much I may dream of it.  
  
Being with her is close though. There's no other creature like Buffy.  
I've seen everything of her. Her darkness and her light.  
I hunger for her and crave everything she stands for.  
Many have refused to accept all of her. Friends, family, lovers...  
She is rather complex. She herself doesn't even realize how truly special she is.  
  
She deserves better than me. I'll never be worthy of her. Nothing I do will be enough.  
She'll never comprehend the changes I've made. I don't even think I do…  
I'm different now.  
She does see that. Almost made my heart beat again when she said it.  
But she won't move beyond that. It was more than I ever expected, so I'm not pushing.  
But, selfish monster that I am, I want more.  
  
This is a nightmare.  
I'd like to wake up now.  
  
The battle is near. The stage has been set. The players are ready.  
The spell went as planned and the First Slayer's spirit is no longer with Buffy.  
And from what I can tell from the discussion going on inside,   
The First Slayer is going to fight.  
I've found the hiding place of the First Evil. The cemetery is our battleground.  
No surprise there, it's a place of death and evil in this town. Perfect home for It.  
  
The meeting seems to be over. I can hear them all moving around, preparing.  
Gathering weapons. Last minute instructions being given.   
Andrew is keeping the morale of the group high with his babble and strange humor.  
  
I could hear everything that was said, vampire hearing is always useful,  
But I would have preferred to be in there, instead of out here on the back porch.  
I expected the girls to be uneasy around me after…   
But I had hoped they would understand that wasn't me. I wasn't in control.  
But they saw what is in me. My true face.  
It hurts that the trust is gone. It was hardly there to begin with.  
  
I wish they didn't matter to me. That I wouldn't care what happens to them.  
That I wouldn't die to save them.   
But I do and I will.  
  
I've no idea how many cigarettes I have smoked but I'm running low.  
I need something to do. All this thinking is dangerous.  
  
Buffy comes to my rescue, yet again.  
She comes out carrying two coffee mugs. And from the smell, it's hot chocolate.  
I smile at her and take the offered drink.  
"Thanks." She nods her head and sits down on the steps.  
  
We sit silently drinking while the little soldiers run around inside.  
A dog barks about three houses down,   
A car speeds by in front, probably heading out of town.  
There's a radio playing next door, soft rock of some kind.  
  
"Spike?" She quietly says.  
"Yeah?"  
She chews her lip and tugs on her collar.  
"Umm…"  
  
I used to believe I knew what she was thinking.  
I could read her like no one else. Knew what she really wanted, what she was feeling.  
What she hid from everyone else. And I understood why, at least sometimes I did.  
But I don't have that insight now.   
I have no idea what she's thinking,  
What she wants.  
Not one bloody clue.  
  
"I want to dance."  
  
I stare at her. Not sure how to take that.  
She has her head lowered and she is looking up at me in question.  
She looks shy. And maybe slightly embarrassed.   
I hear the music and understand what she means.   
  
"Uh, ok then." I get up from the steps and extend my hand to her,  
  
"Buffy, may I have this dance?"  
She smiles in answer, takes my hand and gracefully rises.  
  
We start a slow comfortable dance.  
We don't fumble with our hands,  
She has one on my shoulder and the other in my hand.  
I have my other on her waist.  
  
"You mean so much to me." Buffy gently says.  
She doesn't use words well; I haven't either.  
Unless they're yeilded as weapons...  
There've been many things that I wish I could take back.  
I don't know if she feels the same way…  
She's looking directly at me, letting me know she means it.  
  
The walls are crumbling.   
  
The truth can be painful though.  
I don't know if I want to hear more.  
  
She moves closer to me and brings her hand to my face.  
I drop my hand to her hip.  
"You know that, don't you?"   
"Buffy…"  
"Even with everything we've done to each other…" She continues.  
She seems sad and unsure of what she's saying.  
And I have nothing to say.  
She knows everything about me. I don't hide my feelings. Not very well anyway…  
"I don't know if we can make it right. We don't have enough time…"  
Never enough.   
I'm not enough for her. She can't give me enough of herself. And there's no time.  
"You were wrong. Before. You aren't a monster, I know monsters."  
Does she even know what she's saying?   
I've tried to be a man. I never will be. It isn't possible.  
But I'm no longer a monster…  
What have I become?  
"You were also wrong about… me… never…"  
She trails off. I remember my speech. I didn't think she did.  
Feels like it was more than a few lifetimes ago.  
  
"I haven't forgotten. Everything you've done. For me. For Dawn. For everyone."  
She's been stroking my cheek the entire time but I haven't noticed until now.  
She leans in.   
We're still dancing.  
  
She kisses like someone who has learned there isn't any time to waste.  
It feels like she wants to kiss me back to life.   
I never thought I'd feel this way ever again.  
Every moment with her is one where I could die happy.  
Every touch is heaven.   
  
She takes my hand and we sit down on the steps again.  
The silence is welcomed.  
Words aren't needed.  
  
~  
  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Shadows of Fire**  
  
*Chapter 12*  
  
So many battles. It doesn't seem possible that they get harder every time.  
Every enemy gets stronger, bigger and sometimes even, more personal.  
I always have support, in some shape or form.  
Old friends, one-time enemies, blood sisters.  
  
Even though I'm alone, I'm surrounded by love.  
  
I'm still not sure if they know that I love them.  
I say it. But do they believe?  
We're going toward the cemetery now. I told them before we left.  
  
What if I told him? What if I told Spike I've fallen in love with him?  
Would he believe me?  
I don't know when it happened. I can't pinpoint the time.  
I wish I could.  
I also wish he were still my enemy.  
It would make everything much simpler.  
  
The potentials are all armed. Scared but ready.  
As are all my friends.  
We walk swiftly to battle.  
  
Willow and Giles have a way to banish the powers.  
The First Evil and the First Slayer. Stop them from manifesting in this world.  
They didn't need to give me details. I trust they know what they are doing.  
As they trust that I'll protect them as they perform the spell.  
  
The Firsts can fight one another. They're on the same plane of existence or something.  
I don't know how it works. But there'll be a big face off between powers.  
We just get to fight the minions.  
Though I'm worried for the girls. They still haven't gotten enough training.  
They aren't truly prepared for what is to come but there's no more time.  
  
Spike, my dark warrior, strides next to me.  
Strong and confident. Ready to win. Ready to die.  
  
I haven't had many choices in my life. Not really.  
But choosing to try to tell Spike how I feel was one I needed. And will not regret.  
I couldn't say what I really wanted to say. But I tried to express it other ways.  
I hope he got the message.  
  
I see the swarm of Bringers standing amongst the tombstones,  
So the battle begins.  
  
I kill so many of the blind bastards, I loose count.  
I can see the girls doing remarkably well.   
Though a few lie wounded or dead on the ground.  
  
I take a moment to watch as two figures, surrounded in bright light, fight,  
The Firsts.   
Some horrible horned creature and her. It's a fierce and wild battle.  
  
There's another light coming from my left, where I can see Willow and Giles chanting.  
Dawn, Anya and Xander fight away any enemy that comes near.  
Willow's in pain. Maybe it isn't going as planned…  
Oh of course it isn't! When do plans ever?  
I move toward them, killing Bringers as I go.  
  
"We need a distraction! They're too powerful!" Giles yells.  
I look around and see Spike in combat.   
He hears Giles as well and quickly decapitates his opponent.  
There's screaming coming from behind us,  
I look to see three potentials get pulled into the light surrounding the Firsts…  
The girls are gasping for breath and falling from intense pain.  
The light is expanding, enveloping Bringers and girls.  
"We don't have much time! Stop them from fighting!" Willow screams.  
  
Spike looks right at me. I know what he's thinking…  
I've seen that look before, a look of love, promise and sacrifice…  
  
"NO!"  
  
He gives me the sweetest smile, turns and runs.  
  
Before I can move, he's in the light,  
  
The battle stops.  
  
Willow chants.  
Spike grimaces.  
The Bringers flee.  
The Firsts both scream.  
Giles speaks a language never heard before.  
Spike falls.  
My world ends.   
The Firsts are fading.  
We all watch.  
Spike glows.  
My soul burns and my heart breaks.  
  
  
They're gone.  
It's over.  
  
  
The silence after is shattered by my sobs.  
I don't cry. Not in front of anyone.   
It shows weakness. And I have to be strong.  
Always strong.  
But I can't stop.   
**I can't stop!**  
  
I look around to see the shocked and concerned faces of my family.  
Giles, Willow, Xander, Dawn, even Anya and the potentials.  
All are frozen where they stand.   
Unable to conceive what I'm feeling. What I've lost.  
They never will. There are no words…  
  
Dawn comes over to me and embraces me. She's crying.  
"It's going to be ok Buffy." She soothes.  
  
I look to the small pile of dust a few feet away from me,  
"No… it won't be." I breathe into her shoulder.  
  
~  
  
  
~*The End*~  
  
  
Please review. Pretty please! Tell me what you thought. I really want to know.  
  
  
Sequel in the works! ^_^  
  
  



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